Didn’t buy
a high school
yearbook
someone
wise
said
‘I’d regret it someday’
I didn’t hate school
not
in the beginning
my first year of high school
I was involved in track
and cross-country
in my sophomore year
I don’t know why
but
sometime later in high school
I started hating school
for some reason
I don’t remember
now
and I don’t remember why
or how it happened
after all, it’s been fifty years…
I missed all the dances
the prom
the games
and all the
events
I became really against school…
it may have happened
in my junior year
maybe senior
I don’t know what got into me
the potential was there
for me to have a really
great time of it
but
I
didn’t have girlfriends
girls must have thought
I might have been queer
more likely
they thought
I was
stuck up
I was very good looking
back then
but I didn’t realize it
I was the quiet type
I did though like girls
but
I had this terrible inferiority complex
and was painfully shy
I also had a secret
I will tell you why
It was
an older girlfriend
who was
ten years my senior
I thought I was a happy guy
when you are sixteen
and have a girlfriend
who’s twenty six
that’s something
you were proud of
but you kept it to yourself
quick
because few would approve of that
sort of thing going on
No one would think
it could have gone anywhere
they wouldn’t believe me if I told them
or understand it
of course,
the jealous
would wonder
what she saw in me…
that relationship if you can call it that
and I think it qualifies
in its own right
caused me to miss
a lot in school
it took my youth away
and
the rest of my innocence
five decades and three divorces later…
I looked
on eBay
in my search
for a yearbook.
finding mine
was like trying to find a needle in a haystack
in the dark with a candle
yet
to my surprise
I found one
about a year ago
at the time
I didn’t think
it was the right year
annual
so
I passed on
it
forgot about it
then remembered
came back a year later
about a month ago
it was still for sale
hum…
couldn’t believe
the school annual was still there
wondered what was wrong with it
almost like it was waiting
contacted the guy and gave him my name to see if I was in it
he said I wasn’t
I had my doubts he looked very hard
thought about it
for a few days
I looked at comparable prices
and gave him a decent
bid
the going rate
for others
which sold before
one other person
was watching
the auction
I took a chance
figured I would try to buy it
I bid on it
made the offer
later
in the yearbook
I would be a sophomore
there could be someone I wanted to see
I could reminisce
there could be something in there
that I didn’t think of
He accepted my offer
and sent it out
in the mail promptly
when I received it
a couple days later
to my total amazement
I
soon discovered
I forgot
I was in two sports
there were
two photos with my two different track team
associates
and there was a sophomore school picture
three photos total
the yearbook had senior, junior and sophomores
I was ecstatic
you see
my last wife
(third wife)
erased my history
she
burned all my old photos in the
fireplace
she was very
vindictive
to say the least
(she took medication for frequent psychotic episodes)
I looked at my pictures
in the annual
I was sure a handsome
teen
I should have believed in myself
I never smiled
girls would tell me to smile
I would give them a dirty look
It never dawned on me they were
looking at me and giggling because they liked me
I felt it was something else instead
I wanted to hurt someone who liked me
especially a cute girl
you can’t hurt someone who doesn’t
like you
of course I liked some of them
I mean the popular ones
and got rejected
I wanted to hurt the ones
who smiled at me
I had my reasons
for my bad behavior
toward the girls
It had to be because
my mother abused me mentally
and physically
this abuse happened from about eleven
to fourteen years old
until I’d had enough
and ran away from home
It’s the only reason that seems to fit the situation…
I had mental and emotional problems
kind of like the kid in that movie
Donnie Darko
except that he wasn’t an abused child
I eventually broke up with that older lady
a few years after high school
I was going to be married to someone else
the older lady found my number somehow
and called me before I got married
she asked me if I was sure
I said I was
I was cold
I wanted to hurt her
so I married that other girl
I did it to hurt her
this was
because
she had been unfaithful
to me
in the past
I may have hurt her
but the person I really
hurt was me
I didn’t let myself realize
I still loved her
she got married to someone
eventually got divorced
I don’t know what happened to her
I don’t know if she remarried
of course
if she is still alive
she’s seventy five…
a lot of water has gone under the bridge
and I have been married a few times
I am married again
for the fourth time
this time
for seventeen years
I am still married
knock on wood
hope I stay married
I looked through the annual
at a sophomore who could have had anything
in the world…
he could have been someone
anyone he wanted to be
the world was an open door
his oyster for more
but he chose not to walk through that door
his destiny was changed forever more
a much different path he made for himself
later
as
it turned out
even though I wanted
my senior annual instead
this older one
I purchased
turned out to be the right annual
after all
it was perfect
it had all the photos
all the memories
the workings of the universe
is strange
and does miraculous things
when it wants to
the mysterious happens
when you least expect it
no one bought it
during that year
thank god it didn’t sell
(Most my history was in it. It brought back a lot of memories. It told me I should have enjoyed myself more. Looking back it seemed I was better off marrying that older lady. But, we probably would’ve divorced, anyway. I didn’t love my first wife. I loved the older woman. I had loved her for a long time. It never left me. I kept this secret within me. She was my first real love. I betrayed myself. I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t love her. But, at least I did buy my yearbook fifty years later. Lost love. Regrets. I lived on with an empty heart. But, that annual was worth every penny. It reminded me you can’t go back. That you have but one life to live. Live it well.)
It helped heal my soul
it was something I thought I only wanted
but as it turned out
it was exactly
what
I
needed
and more
the annual
was meant
to be mine
It was my
yearbook
it was always
my yearbook
it always
belonged
to me
It had always
been mine
it was in such good condition
it was like it had been
stored in someone’s
hope chest
to protect it through
many years
in wait
it filled an emptiness
in
my
soul
