I never thought I’d feel this way…

It’s Friday night

and this is my drinking night

I never thought it would be this way

looking out my window to the stars this way

that I’d feel the loss of my ‘Bubba’ dog this much

and miss him so through time

I feel so haunted he’s not here

and it never seems to end

and makes me feel heavy like a lead balloon…

they say that a dog is man’s best friend

and you learn as you get older how true this actually is

I guess I must have developed a much larger capacity to love as I grew older

for I’ve had other pets I didn’t for some reason love as much as my Bubba.

but, I did love them all, and strangely I was a different man not as mature in all my ways…

and I don’t know that I would have grown up as much as I have without all the pain

and suffering I’ve endured in life, but I always challenge God as to his reasons he made

me suffer so…

couldn’t I have learned my life lessons a less painfully, I ask?

he doesn’t answer me as usual, but I am sure he must have his reasons for doing

things as he does…

again, God never tells me…

So, I drink my jack and coke out of a plastic cup

and get drunk missing my boy holding back the tears

sparing my wife seeing how miserable I am

this foolish old man…

this glass I drink from is my eternal treasured

plastic glass, which used to hold his toothbrush,

hair brush, tooth paste and other things…

so important and essential to me.

I even kept one of his teeth

a vet extracted

long ago, but I can’t find it

but I know it’s somewhere in my oak bachelor chest.

I would like to hold it in my hand right now

for good luck…

you know, sincerely, some things you never get over.

you live with it.

and honestly, I haven’t learned to live with his loss

and I doubt never will.

I just can’t.

It’s not in me.

he was so much a part of me

and continues to be.

I can’t let go.

I need him still

in my life.

why is this?

he’s the best friend I ever had

that used to sleep with me and miss me when

I was gone and he waited for me

and whined looking for me all over the house

and always was happy when I returned from the grocery store

and licked my face and jumped all over me.

I wish I could hug and kiss him now

I almost wish I would die and be with him

(which I will someday soon anyway I will get my wish)

but I have other obligations before I want that

to happen.

so now, the only thing I can do is I drink to my ‘baby’ tonight

and toast to my forever friend,

(I used to let him drink a little from my glass! He was so cute, but I didn’t let him drink much…)

and gratefully no one

can ever take away

my love for him,

the best friend and

companion I will

ever have in this lifetime…

I sleep with his things by my head

his tennis balls I used to throw,

his diaper for incontinence,

and other things all in a clear plastic bag.

I don’t care.

It makes me feel

something of him is

by my side as I sleep.

you know, my wife’s daughter

got me a blanket

(too soon, but it was the thought that counted)

from ‘paw prints’

(he was a birthday present from my wife many years ago, the best present I’ve ever had. and, I am so grateful to her for bringing him into my life…)

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